Friday, March 2, 2012

You're doing it wrong.

Book: The Book of Tomorrow

Author: Cecelia Ahern

Published: 2011 (HarperCollins)

Pages: 310

Dear diary,

You don't know me, but I'm that insufferable twat who doesn't actually use you as a conceit unless it's convenient to the plot. Sometimes you tell me the future, but I can totally change it, I'm not locked in or anything, I also do that really annoying grammar thing where I string together two full sentences with a comma. Not two clauses, or two sentences that can depend on each other as clauses, I wish they had taught me about that in third grade. 

ANYhoodle, I'm going to use all this fake gravitas that I haven't earned yet (and that in fact makes me sound about as solemn and wise as a wizard on a Disney ride) to put mystery into a story that will basically be me bitching about how lame my new life is, how everyone in my family is keeping secrets from me, and how weird nuns are, mentioned over and over again until the last three chapters, which I guess is some sort of "tension device," or some shit like that. You'll have my like total word about what a bitch or nice kid I am (it's so hard to decide!) without all those stupid "scenes" and "dialogue" to pull you in. Really, exposition is THE thing to have nowadays, along with a mobile library driven by a boy who could care less about reading! But don't worry, I only use him for a statutory rape subplot that is the only possible way my age could be called into question. 

I totally could've done this whole find-out-who's-my-real-dad thing without you, but you know, you're welcome. I'm just a giver. Except when I feel selfish and tell you that for no reason except maybe I'm supposed to be the same bundle of contradiction as every other teenage girl? I don't know. It doesn't work anyway, so I'll let you not work and then un-destroy yourself from a fire without any sort of rules or guidelines on how you actually work because I'm too busy writing third-person fairy-tale wrap-ups for my last chapter. Well, there's my aunt snooping again! Better go sneer at some of her apple pie before she suspects anything! I hope this book doesn't make any young book blogger and writer question what the hell she's doing with all her spare time! Byyyeeee!

--Tamara Goodwin, most irritating diary writer in the history of diary writing. 


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